a part of me which i want to share…

I recently received an updated report from World VisionLebanon.Elie is doing well, he’s healthy and good. Praise God! Praise God that he’s safe and still alive!

Elie is my ‘son’ whom I helped sponsored through World Vision. In my previous post titled “Spare a Fifty” I’ve talked about him. He still has those big brown captivating eyes. =) anyway, I’m just glad that he’s still alive and well.

In the previous post I wrote about the war that happened last year. It really is stupid….. This year, not too long ago, I think it happened again. When I saw the paper, I didn’t want to read about it, I didn’t want to know about it. Let’s just say I was sick and tired of hearing mindless war and killing. And yea, I did pray for Elie and his family and his friends.

Earlier this year, I visited the “War Crimes” exhibition in KL. I went ‘coz I was curious about it. Hmmm…. What I saw do make me think a lot about us as humans.

What kind of a human can stoop so low to kill another of its own image? Hmm…. Do animals do that?… maybe….

I saw a lot of things exhibited there, the pictures, the dummies, the statistics, and the stories. I don’t know how to describe it. Erm…. I was….. Yea, I was thinking how it could even happen. But it did happen in history.

I can vividly remember this picture. It has a face with eyes, nose and mouth, but an expression of bewilderment shock written all over. Upon looking closer, it was the shell of a former human being. His head had been blown out from being shot at point blank, brains not there either; just the shell of his head. Yea, the picture stuck to me. So this is how a blown up guy looks like…… it was sick!

Then I visited the torture chambers, which was already well publicized in the papers and internet few years ago. I know not to condemn but pray for those sick people who did the torture. Why should such people be prayed for right?!

Then I saw the pictures of severely deformed newborns. They don’t even look like babies. Imagine how the mother felt? The whole generation was affected, just when they thought it was safe to eat and drink.

I guess most people are already numbed by the many wars and killings that have been going on. Me too, it didn’t bother me till I know someone who was affected by it.

I am just thinking. Human are such fallen nature. The only creation that was made in the image of God yet could also do such evil. Actually…. I shouldn’t be so surprised and upset, the bible recorded lots of bloodshed too. Even God Himself was killed by men. Can you imagine it? God? Whipped? Pierced? Taunted? Humiliated? Spited upon? Hit? Where got such thing?!

But there was such thing… Jesus was whipped, pierced, taunted, humiliated, spited upon, hit and so on. But how could such thing happen?

I don’t know who reads this post. Maybe you are a non Christian. Jesus’ death and resurrection is the basic foundation to a Christian’s belief. We believe that He is the Son of God and God Himself who had come to be among His creation because He loves us so. And it is His desires that none shall perish but all enter into eternal life with Him in His Kingdom.

So, how do you enter into His Kingdom? Hmm…. How a? Maybe do some little good deed. Maybe offer blood sacrifices. Maybe do some burnt offerings. Maybe give money to the poor, widow and orphaned. Maybe just not do anything and believe you’ll get to heaven anyway. =) (or maybe you don’t believe there is a God, no heaven, no hell…. Hahahaha… new-age…..)

Here’s the good news. None of the above is required. Only faith and believe that Jesus came to die for your sins and He rose again. Confess that He’s the only way to God, and ask Him to enter into your life. That’s all it takes. And if you want to know more, you should get yourself a bible. =)

Anyway, I am glad that I’ve got Jesus in my life. About praying for those who did evil here’s what He has got to say.

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life. God did not send His Son into the world to condemn it, but to save it.” John 3:16-17

He wasn’t here to condemn but to save people from their own sins, and the penalty of sin is death. Eternity without God….. You really should get yourself a bible.

Back to my topic, killing will go on; I don’t think it’ll ever stop. I strongly disagree human taking away another human’s life, only God has the right to do that.

Anyway, Elie changed his mind. He now wants to be a journalist. I think I figured out why…….

ps:- I need to write to him soon!

She could have easily lost it, the things that she treasured most, to dwell in the house of her Lord, to do the things that were placed in her path for her to do, to answer her call.

Reflecting… she found herself cornered. It was very strange; she suddenly understood the meaning of no where else to turn to but God. The image of a wide eyed cartoon cat with wet fur, sticking out of the body came to mind, back up to the corner of the wall. It looked funny, but she knew the meaning of it, she had no where else to turn to but God. She had to look up.

Through the many months of things that happened, the good and awesome and the not so good and not so awesome, she wants to do some stock check. She wants to know that she is going on the right path. She finally takes her time and reflect…… she asks, is she in she in her calling.

In the earlier months, she struggled and she struggled a lot. She thought God had abandoned her… which were silly thoughts but very true at the moment of time. Worst was thinking that she made a mistake and God was being really silent on her. All she could hear and see were the curses and not so flowery scenes.

But as she reflects…. She thank God for the grace and perseverance that somehow carried her through. Somehow she was determined to pull through and not let her God’s name be put to shame. If He had called her to do the work, surely He will have to be there for her. He had called her, so He had to better really be there for her. And so she pressed on; determined not to let anything pull her down, but to look unto God.

It is so easy to say and write about it, but when it hits you, it’s really when your faith is tested. So, what are you going to do when you experience the direct hits and hurdles? When things don’t go the way you expected it to go. When you are stretched, twisted, pulled, molded and still believing that it is for the good. When you can only look and ask why must you go through these. Seriously….what are you going to do?

Cry? Complain? Pity me? Reflecting on it, she smiles and laugh of the different struggles she went through. She did cried, she did complained, she did wallow in self pity, she did thought of “why bother, just give up”. Hahah… hard times…. She smiles ‘coz she knows she had overcome. She smiles ‘coz she know God had sustained her. She smiles ‘coz she knew of people who would encourage her.

Does she think that she has really overcome all hits and hurdles? No way! More is yet to come! Does she looks forward to it?…. No she doesn’t…. pain is a nuisance that she would rather not face. But yea, she would go through tough times willingly ‘coz she knows that’s where she needs God most and that’s where He receives all glory. So, bring it on!

Anyway, she wants to take stock. So, time has passed, things have learnt. Dreams are dreamt, visions are seen, desires have grown, and passion had spread, she stops and see… if this was what she was called to do?

Still on a journey of discovery, maybe this was what she is called to do. She prays that God would keep her heart humble and open to His calling. She prays for a learning heart, and not thinking that she has arrived. Hahaha…. But has just beginning to run the race, the course that was set for her…. Maybe this is her journey and her calling; maybe this is what was set out for her to do. Maybe….  She wonders….. many years from now on….. would she be found faithful, would she still be on track, where would she arrived to…..she wonders…..

She prays and keeps this in her heart…. The one thing she asks and desires most, is that she may dwell in the house of her Lord, all of her days.

She looks up from her book

She welcomes the sight of the lake

She smiles…. Knowing she has arrived

She had always looked forward to the sight

Bidding farewell to it every morning

She takes her walk

Getting her usual pancake

She says thank you and smiled

She loves the peanut and sugar and the crunch

She walks….

She walks, while enjoying the munch

Yum…..

She walks….

Reflecting her day

The children’s antics amuses her,

She laughs in her heart, she smiles

Reflecting her life

She asks for God’s grace and trust

She spends lots of time thinking,

The walk is seldom empty,

But lots of thoughts, and conversations

Lots of ponderings, and doubts

Lots of petitioning, and remembering

The crossroad is in sight,

She strains to see what colour it was,

And she starts calculating her steps,

Maybe she should keep her pace; then it’ll be the right time to cross

Maybe she should quicken the steps; just in case she was too late

Maybe she should slow down; ‘coz it was gonnna stop anyway

Maybe she should just talk her walk;

Enjoy the sky

It doesn’t matter what colour it shows, she always crosses over it anyway.

She should just take her walk…..

She walks….

She enjoys the leaves above her

The shadow dances on the street.

She looks forward to the turn

Smiling she’d soon be there

She walks…..

The familiar surrounding comes into sight,

Her heart starts to sing,

Of songs that would praise her Lord,

Of songs that she was feeling,

Of songs that was from her heart

She walks…..

She looks up to the sky,

She marvels at its vastness

And she thought to herself….

When was the last time she marveled at the blue sky?

It is so wide,

It seems infinite with no end; so big, so high, so in awe

The sun caught her eyes, the clouds spread like water paint

She marvels at the beauty….

She takes in the surrounding; enjoys the moment of admiring HIS work.

A final turn…

Her walk is nearing,

A few more steps…

She breathes the sigh of relief

She croons ‘Hi honey! How are you!’

He jumps around, greeting her happily

She smiles, pat his head, sometimes a hug…..

She is home.

Fifty ringgit. How much is it worth to you?

Sometimes when I find out how much people spend on certain stuffs; clothes, shoes, toys, accessories, which really without it, their life would still carry on…. I feel like strangling their wallet. I feel like telling them, spare a thought for something better, spare your fifty to change for better a someone else’s life….. Nope, I have never really done that. People have their right to do whatever they want with their money. Go ahead and spend it.

My fifty… there is this precious little fifty which I set aside and know where it goes every month. This precious little fifty, which I makes sure it is delivered. This precious little fifty which sometimes gets me into trouble. This precious little fifty which I know and hope that is still alive, am making a change for better in another person’s life. This precious little fifty which I hold dear to my heart.

Fifty ringgit… what can you buy? Ask any young people, it’ll prolly be spent off in three days, or maybe two? I don’t need to elaborate.

Two years back, I came across and advert on reader’s digest. I think it was a story about a child inThailand, living in poverty. Can’t remember much, but that story touched me and I decided to respond. I really couldn’t believe that fifty ringgit was all it took to make a change for better in another person’s life. Fifty ringgit was all it took…. Of course I have a fifty to spare!!!

Two years on… I still have my fifty to spare, and a story to tell.

Ever heard about the war atLebanon last year? To people it’s prolly just another war. It’s nothing new; people have always been in and out of war. But when I read about the war, it was hard to believe it was happening. For a brief moment, I knew what it was like fearing that somebody I know would die anytime. The bullets or rockets could get to him. Anytime he would be killed, it’s vulnerable out there. The worst feeling is not knowing if he was still alive.  It’s hard to describe it. You know you hate what was happening, and yet nothing you could do to stop it. You see it happening right before you, yet all you can do is to watch it with fear and agony. It’s just helplessness. You feel like crying, but it seems foolish and strange. Something which people most likely won’t understand. Prayer is the only hope that you cling on to.

The war did end, after 34 days. Infrastructures were destroyed, the ports, the roads, the bridges. Lives were killed, people lost their homes, belongings, friends and family members. Those who survived suffered from fear, hunger, diseases, lack of water, medicines. People living in the shadows of what had happened.

How would you feel…. You spent many years building up a community. A poor one that is. You train them in agriculture, they develop the land, and if the cycle keeps going, they may slowly gain financial independence. You provide health services, vaccinations, clinics. You provide clean water for drinking, cooking, bathing, watering livestock and fields. You provide education for the children, knowing that it is important they remained in school. Imagine, the community grows and develop; it is slowly starting to take shape to be a long-lasting self sustaining improvement. And then… all of a sudden…. its gone. You don’t know what hit you….. exactly, you don’t know what hit you.

I felt it was stupid, utterly rubbish and nonsense. All the hard work and effort, just gone like that. What nonsense?! Yea… what nonsense….. and it really did happened.

Elie turns 13 this April. His eyes never fail to attract my attention. It’s big, round and black.  He loves what most boys like to do, basketball, football, fishing. The last time I got his letter, Nov 2006, he still wants to be a judge. =) two years back, and two years on, he still has the same ambition. That makes me proud in some way. How many at age 24 can boast that their ‘son’ wants to be a judge when he grows up? I can!! =)

Elie is fromLebanon. He is a child whom I’ve been faithfully sparing a fifty every month. That fifty though of little value here, it means a lot to me and I know that it has given him a better future. That fifty does not go into his pocket, but it goes into developing his community. Providing education, clean water, efficient health care, developing the economic and agriculture. That sponsorship helped in building crucial cornerstones that allow the community to rise above poverty and children to pursue their dream. Elie could be the judge that he dreams to be.

After all that have passed, I still hope and pray that he is alright.

Fifty ringgit? You think you are doing a good thing in changing somebody’s life for better. You don’t know how much more it changes yours.

(Elie is under the child sponsorship programme of World VisionLebanon)

It’s not about you.

Have you ever wondered what does it take to serve? I mean meeting the needs of others. I am not saying serving because you are asked to do or because it is an obligation. But really serving, serve to meet the needs of others, without anything in return….. Have you ever thought of it?

I do think a lot about it… Why do some people do what they do, especially those working in a caring ministry. Caring for people is definitely not easy, and I’m not talking about nurses, though I respect them a lot. I’m talking about a group of people who chose to care for the society’s rejects and outcast. What made them do what they do?

It’s not about you.

Working in a Christian NGO, it is not easy for me. And I’m not talking about the work. I’m talking about the things that was ‘’given up’’, the things the world could offer if I were to work for big time companies. The thought do play in my mind once in a while. Especially about the money I could be earning, the things I could buy, the holidays that I could go for, the investments and savings I could do, the word would be financial freedom. But is it true? Financial freedom?

Many times I did asked why I chose what I’m doing right now. To many, it seems foolish and silly, to give up your degree, work hard in another field and yet paid peanuts. But honestly, if you ask do I think it’s silly and foolish?…. I doubt…. God takes the foolish things of the world to bring down the wise. I must admit that it’s tough and not easy, but I also acknowledge that my life is in God’s hand, He knows my needs and challenges, and truly only by His grace I can sustain. I’ve seen Him seeing me through my ups and downs. It doesn’t mean it’s nice and rosy all the time, in realistic, when the down times comes, it hits really hard. That’s when your faith is tested.

Many times, especially during the down times, I did asked; what about me? Why should I care for others? Why should I dig into my pocket to feed other people’s stomach when I don’t have enough myself? Why should I offer my time to people when I have no time for myself? Why should I give when I can’t even buy what I want? I can go on and on asking about thing that satisfies my “needs” and wants. Why should I care for others?

Deep down inside I do wonder, do people ever care for others? In others, I don’t mean people you know, but of people the society misses out on. The dirty ol’ begger. The mother and child begging at street. The children in homes. The learning disabled adult wandering in street. The schizophrenic screaming and shouting at passerby.  Sometimes I wish I don’t see what I see; I don’t know what I know. The needs just seem overwhelming and I feel helpless. Can’t I just be ignorant to it? Who cares?

Yes, you can care to give money to the begger for today. But for how long? How much can you give? Yes, you can care to visit the children in homes at special occasions. But for how long? How much can you commit to the love they need? Yes, you can care to offer some pity or maybe disgusted look at the learning disabled adult. But have you ever wondered what its like to be in their shoes? They did not choose to be born that way, God made them special. The people trapped in their own thoughts and thinking, I could only offer prayers. Many times, looking at the needs of these people… I stopped asking, “What about my needs?” I could only praise God and give thanks that I can do what I am today.

Jesus, who is my God, the King of all kings and the Lord of all lords, made Himself nothing, laid aside His mighty power and glory and took the humble position of a slave to serve the needs of the people. My Jesus served….. He cared for the poor and needy, healed many that were sick, blind, crippled, tormented, and touched those whom society shunned. My Jesus served, and people praised God for His serving.

It’s not about you.

Serving is not about you. Is not about how well you could serve others, meeting their needs, thinking that you really tried your best and wanting the person to be blessed by what you did. Serving is not about you.

I had the privilege of looking at the faces of people whose life has changed because of the Christian NGO’s service unto them. Their faces taught me something about serving. It’s not about me. It’s about the people whom I served…. and who they will be praising because I served them. Jesus. =)

"Hi! Wat’s your name?" i asked the little gal who was sitting on her mother’s lap. she’s got this beautiful flawless skin, and typical chinese gal hair with straight short fringe. she looked every bit a normal gal would look like. "Aaagghh, aaaghhh, aaaghhh", was the answer i got before she turned, burying her face into her mom’s chest, avoiding my eye contact. i was erm…. speechless for a
moment.

hehehe…. that was my first encounter with an autistic child a year ago. and it gave me a lasting impression.

it’s been a month since i started my new job, i am now working with children with learning disability. it’s amazing! i’m learning new stuffs everyday, and the children are simply adorable, and i think they are a bunch of funny ppl. yup funny!

during the first week of my job, i was getting used to the idea of working with children. never in my entire 23 years of age have i even given a tot of working with children. me?! teaching kids?! no way!! never!!! if, you would have told me in my schooling days that i may one day do this job, i’ll say it’s something that my best fren does, not me! wat more, teaching children with learning disability?! O_o"

back to my first encounter with the austistic child a year ago….. i visited the school she attended, which caters to children like her. hmmm….. all i could remember was, not knowing what to do and just stand and gapped at them. i must say i admired the teacher’s passion, dedication and love for the children. it takes a certain heart and compassion to do this kind of work, and definately lots of patience, and a great sense of humour!

okay now, back to my first week of work, i was introduced to the school age program kids. these kids comes for 2 1/2 hour class, twice a week, and does scheduled activities with us. OM is a tall lanky gal 8 year old gal, who is very sweet. she likesto offer teachers her biscuit during snack time. then there’s HS who’s always needing assurance and confirmation from the teacher. she’ll stare until she get’s your eye contact, and approve that she’s doing the right job. oh, she’s got an adorable dimpled smile. SK is a funny sweet boy who lacks attention span. it’ll be a great success to get him focused for about 10 seconds! oh, and there’s this little adorable DR, who’s sooo cute, he waddles side to side when he walks. beautiful KW always comes to class feeling sleepy, whose head is too heavy to lift up, and oh her voice barely heard! and there’s SY who’s always reminding her frens "no touching frens!". we’ve also got smart bossy NB who likes to take lead, and directing ppl around. JW is a handsome young boy who’s in the world of his own, asking many "waaa tis" questions, and favourite colour is green. ZY is a cheeky playful boy, who thinks his fellow classmate looks like chicken little.WX always get excited seeing me, calling me in a hurried voice "teecher jessee, teecher jessee!!" hehehe. i’ve got so many more kids which i have yet to tell of! and each of them are unique individuals with different personalities. the kids described above are with down syndrome, autism, ADHD, slow learners or just having other kind of learning disability.

oh, i’ll never forget these two kids, MZ and NH, from different classes. both happened to throw tantrums on my first week of work!! O_o" it did get me stressed out a bit, but thank God i had the ability to switch if off my brain at the moment. they were just screaming the lungs outs, for good 15 minutes, ‘coz they didn’t get wat they wanted. sigh! serious dose of patience is definately needed! NH, i call her the predator, hahah, reason being she’ll suddenly grab and scratch another child’s face. poor HC was a victim, thank God he didn’t cry tho. he was in shock! he did whimper a bit after i released her hand. oh, most ppl agree that he does look like chicken little . =P MZ is a smart boy, but has trouble accepting correction, gets really sick and grossed out looking at slimy stuffs and is currently obessed with the edge of the table.

when i first started my job, i did began to wonder why some ppl born like this. as in why can’t everyone be born normal. some times i do wonder what goes on in the minds of these kids, esp the ones who are just so into the world of their own…..one thing i realized was that God also made them, and i’m sure He has His purpose. He made them in His image, and these kids were in His mind even before they were conceived. i believe i’ll see them in heaven, and God will
explain why. For now…. i see these kids as an opportunity for me to develop characters of compassion, love and patience.

know what? some of this kids are really smart, i get excited knowing they know how to count to 20, or even do simple maths! these kids have some level of understanding, and not entirely blur cases. =P i must say, it has been fun working with them, sometimes i forget that it’s work, and i have objectives to meet when teaching them one-on-one. recently i started working with babies with down syndrome group. all of them are adorable little darlings. =) things that we do so naturally like kneeling, crossing barriers, standing up from sitting on the floor, grabbing and dropping objects, these babies need learn it and work
little harder to develop their muscles, and preventing stiff limbs.

i realized that early intervention is really helpful for kids with learning disability. some parents are ignorant to their child’s needs, thinking that they could do everything for the child. but once the they’ve outgrown the cute stage and 10 years down the road, it’s not easy having to serve your children’s everyday need, like spoon feeding the child, dressing the child?! independence is the key thing that we teach the children. they’ve got to learn to do basic things on their own, without parent’s help. i am so glad that most of the parent whom we work with are very keen to work together with the teachers in teaching their children.

hmmm…. i do wonder….. 20 years on, when these kids have grown up to be young adults, will they fit into the society? can the society accept their uniqueness? will they be given a chance?….

Few days ago, I met a man from street fellowship. He looked like a retired Indian man. Healthy looking, educated man. His eyes were clear, so was his honesty. We briefly introduced ourselves and he started sharing his story. You know how sometime you meet people at social functions; you don’t know if they are putting on a façade, you don’t know who is being real, who is not. There wasn’t any mask involved here.

Back to the man, he used to held a high position in the port where he worked. Being young and earning money, like many other young working adults, he started hanging out with friends at pubs and started drinking. Those days were fun for him, and he enjoyed it. Like most people, he thought he could control the alcohol. Hahaha…. How naïve….

He got married, had three kids, I think he prolly had a nice family. He kept telling me his son is a graduate. Good for him. Anyway, his alcohol problem persisted for 20 over years till one day the family couldn’t take it anymore. The son raised his fist at the dad, the dad left home.

A careered man, an educated man, a family man….. he is now sleeping in the streets at night, try to earn some money just to get his fix. He is always on alert as he wouldn’t want to be caught by local council, he hardly sleep well at night. His ego was broken, the proud man in him made humbled.

One thing I admired about him is that he still has his dignity. He won’t accept free meals, he would want to work for it. Another thing I admired about him is that he knows he needs help and he wants to change. He wants to quite his habits and he is looking for the answer. I encouraged him and wished him all the best. I hope he makes some progress….

Listening to his story, I shared mine too. I told him I know exactly how the son must have felt. I too came from the same family. That’s history, now is the present, and tomorrow is the future. What you do now determines your future; you don’t live in your past. I told him my dad died of alcohol… the moment I said those words he turned his face away. He realized that it is real and it is not playing game, it is not having fun. Alcoholism kills.

It was nice talking to him, knowing that he knows the dangers of his habits. Like I’ve said before, he is a learned man. He knows the danger of that cheap liquor sold in cina shops. In a way, I think he was glad to have talked to me too, knowing that I know these stuffs too. Both of us realized that this is real. And what I could do is only to encourage him to change and he wills to change. 

May 9th marks the second anniversary of my dad’s passing away. I thank God for my dad, as in he provided for the family, gave me education, gave financial security. My dad had a compassionate heart. He too has an ego. I won’t write much here, I don’t wanna share much here. But what I wanna say is… because of his life, I determine not to fall for what the society says is normal. Because of his life, i made the choice not to drink alcohol.

You know how people say they are sorry when they hear some of your family member has passed on. hmmm….. Which brings me back to the day of his wake. It was funny seeing teary eyed friends. Anyway, there’s really nothing they should feel sorry about. Erm… I guess they should change the courtesy word to something else or say nothing at all. Anyway, good things turned out from the bad. Sounds cruel….. but I’m glad just how things worked out now. one life gone, three lives gained.

There are times when I wonder where he’ll be. I really don’t know….. He believed in so many other faiths, I wonder if he made the call. Anyway, I shall find out….. When I meet my creator. =)

Life is about choices, how your life turns out depends on the choice you make. Use wisdom, use the brains God gave. Life is so full of so many possibilities, so many wonderful things to achieve and to experience. Don’t let other people dictate your life, but let them guide. The end of your life determines if you had made the right choice…. And it is not man who judges….

Yesterday I went to a children home in PJ. These children come from various backgrounds; abuse, abandoned, orphans, single mothers and so on. (The home is so nicely organized, with more than 20 years experience, it is very established.) The kids are a bunch of darlings when I saw them. The lil ones were playing outside while some were doing their duties. How many of us actually sweep the drain in our house? the nine year old kid did it for the home. And a 16 year old ironed everybody’s school uniforms! Wow…. wished some parents would send their pampered children to the home to learn some living skills.

Anyway, I managed to talk to a few girls staying there. What caught my attention were their beauty and their skin color. After getting to know their names and breaking the ice, they asked me what am I. (I’m of mixed parentage, Indian Chinese.) Cool, so they understood the reason to my skin colour and the lil different features. Looking at the girls, I couldn’t quite guess their parentage. They looked mixed…..

What I want to say is….. These girls don’t know who their parents were. Not that I know their individual stories, or what their background were or how they ended up at the shelter, but I went home thinking about them. They can go on guessing their mixed parentage (they were neither pure Chinese nor Indian.) if their parents never show up to acknowledge them, the children will never know their through identity in terms of race.

My point is, children don’t come into the world by their own choice. Parents brought them to existence. Just a few days ago, a newborn baby was found in the garbage bin……. Baby = Rubbish? You = Rubbish? NO!!!

I’m not sure if the authorities have found who dumped the baby, but the baby surely did not deserve it. I’m just guessing….. This baby could be a case of unwanted pregnancy. A case of young people having unprotected sex? A case of two young ppl knowing less of the consequences to their actions? Hmm… I could be wrong…. Could it be a case of rape victim who didn’t know what to do with the beast’s child…..? or….. Could it be a case where the mom had too many children at hand? (I doubt)

Children are gifts from God, not accidents….. It is sad that some of them are treated tat way right from the start of their life. Young people…. Those who sleep around, you know what I’m talking about. Don’t say it’ll never happen to you. That’s naïve, that’s ignorance. Abstain from doing it now, have it all you want in your marriage. Men…. You who think women are sex objects, in subjection to your lust, you are a @#%$!!! I wish the government would go ahead with castration for those who are found guilty of rape. Have they ever wondered if it would result to a baby being born…. Oh wait! I forgot they are not human…. A case of mom having too many children at hand? I doubt they’d dump their babies…. Loving moms with many children just don’t do that……

Life is not just about you….. I thank God that the children found a home in the shelter. I believe that they are well taken care of, by people who loved them more than their biological parents. They may never know what it is like to be in a “normal” family. But they understand sharing, love, discipline, chores, tolerance, compassion. I believe this children would be of so much value, wherever they will be in future, and… they are definitely not rubbish!

There are a few professions that I admire the people who do the work. Not the work that they do, but the person that does the work. I’m not talking about being a director of big petroleum company, or the head of a multinational manufacturing firm, or even the ceo of a big international shipping company. It is good that they achieve whatever they have achieved. They must have worked hard to be where they are.

Anyway, the profession that I admire is not the type where the society has already dictates it is good. It’s not the type where their tax is more than somebody’s 5 months salary, it’s not the type where you tell people what you do and they look at you in awe, it’s not the type where you mention the name of your company and immediately your status rise to another level. It’s not the type where the society has said that these people are the best, crème of the crop, the ones who sets the benchmark. True, they deserve some admiration but, still……

One of the professions (the people) that I admire and appreciate is the ones that most people take for granted. Sometimes I wonder if people even thought about them. They don’t look smart, most of the time they are dirty, people tend to avoid them, and their kind of work, hmmm…. Some may even forget they exist. Well…..parents used to say if we don’t study hard, we’ll end up like them. Anyway, come to think of it, I’m grateful to these people.

I’m talking about the garbage collectors. The people that comes to your house and collects your trash early in the morning. It is like so magical, you create a mess of trash, throw away your unwanted waste, you put it into the bin and the next few days it disappears. And it goes on and on and you don’t have to worry about the rubbish pilling up ‘coz you know that somebody’s gonna come and clear it for you. Most people don’t care where the garbage goes to as long as it doesn’t stay in MY bin for more than three days! Most people don’t care who does that job, as long as they don’t miss doing the job. Most people like me…. take them for granted.

Yup, I admire the people who are serving the society as a garbage collector. I admire the thing that is in them.  I admire their courage. I mean surely it’s not a profession where kids in school have ambition to be. I mean who would wanna bear with the stench? The heavy garbage? Or the juices that comes out from it?! Or put their health at higher risk? Urrgh…….Hmm… I wonder what kind of people are they; I mean what’s their story? Did they really flunk in school? Or do they come from poor destitute families? Or do they really really have no other options?

Actually….. Not everyone can do the work of a garbage collector unless they are forced under unavoidable circumstances. Anybody can be a leader in the corporate world if they work hard enough, be sharp enough, be smart enough, have the cutting edge and climb the ladder. But not anybody can do the humbling job of a garbage collector… …it breaks the proud, it breaks the ego, it breaks the norm.

I was admitted to SJMC two weeks ago, have recently discharged, stayed there for almost 10 days! O_o” I wanna thank all who visited me and prayed for me when I was unwell during the past week. thank you so much! Wanna let you know I appreciate it! =)

I remember feeling weak when I woke up that sat morning. The night before I’ve already planned my breakfast, I’m gonna eat ham with cheese on toasted bread with tea. It’s been a long time since I had a breakfast like that. =D But that morning I hardly had any appetite and ended up drinking milo and eating white bread. Bleh… oh I remember the night before, I had a terrible ache on my body. Each time I coughed it hurts even more, it’s the type of pain that makes your body bend over. and I could not even lie down on my back! been having it for almost a week then, thought I could bear the pain.

Oh, before that I’ve been coughing for almost two week. yup, my fault! I admit! I didn’t take care of my health. Yup, yup, I didn’t see a doctor, I didn’t really take medication, I didn’t avoid cold drinks. So yea, the cough got worse…and I was really missing my good healthy body! =(

Anyway, that sat night I didn’t really sleep well. was coughing most of the time and I threw up four times. After each time I would feel weaker and weaker. Each time I got up from the toilet I could only see all white or all black in front of me. Had to blink my eyes a few times to get my vision back. I think I even passed out on the bed without realizing it. =P. there was also blood trace on my phlegm. Erm…. I knew it wasn’t a good sign but I thought I could just sleep it off.

My mom got concerned and asked if I wanna be admitted to hospital. At the back of my mind I was like thinking, I can’t even walk properly without fainting, how am I gonna get there? And the thought of getting down the stairs just put me off. After much persuasion, yeah, mom helped me walked. It was dizzying…..

By the time we reached the ER, I told her I couldn’t walk, let alone held my head up. Now here’s the drama, the nurses brought the bed out! Hehehe… so I climbed unto it and they wheeled me into the ER room. I thought it was kinda cool. =P I mean…. I’ve never been admitted to a hospital before and yea, it’s kinda exciting to experience it. I can’t really remember much what happened, except that the medical officer in charge was very ganas and garang. She sounded as if scolding me for having low blood pressure, and asked me why is that so. Halloo?! I’m the patient! How in the world would I know why my blood pressure was low?! I’m sick! Wasn’t it obvious?!

After that was a whole series of needle pokings, getting samples, and testing stuffs. people were fussing over me, hmmm…. Can’t remember much of what happen. Only remember having pain in my tummy and my breathe was really short. Could hardly breathe properly, so the nurse gave me the oxygen tube. How cool is that? I was breathing from the oxygen tank! =P

So, yea I was admitted to the HDU ward. Didn’t know what that meant till I saw the sms link on my handphone (High Dependency Unit). It was a Sunday that day…. Mom was my first visitor. (It was also nice knowing that Ps Sandra and Ps Kenneth were the next to visit me. I’m touched!) I had two of my hands fixed to the drips, and i was thinking, so this is how it feels like to be hospitalized. I wasn’t feeling scared or anything, just that I’m tired I needed rest, i needed to recover and get healing for my body. Yeah, basically I wasn’t thinking much, just blank.

I remember looking at the clock tho, waiting for my visitors. =P so yea, it was kinda nice seeing them coming to visit me after 4. I also thought it was kinda cute when I learned that they had to line up 2 by 2 for their turn to come in. some of them couldn’t recognize me. I’d understand ‘coz I had tube in my nose and a towel on my forehead, who would find it easy to recognize? Found out later that I was actually having very high fever, no wonder I felt my brains frying.

Somebody did asked if I self conscious being where I was. Me? Self conscious? Not a single bit! I didn’t really care how I looked like ‘coz at that point, all I could think of was…. Blank….. hahaha… nah, really, I didn’t bother. I was a sick patient, so let me look like one lar. I think I looked like a really convincing sick person! my voice was really soft, can feel my lips cracked and yeah, with the electronic patches on my body and needles for the drips in my hand, yup, I did look sick indeed! Oh, I was wearing the hospital gown most of the time. it’s really comfy! =) my mom thought I was mad for not wanting to wear my own baju. I don’t understand why I should, I mean they provide a comfy gown to wear…. So wear lar. later I found out that indeed, I was the only syok sendiri person who was wearing the hospital gown.

Anyway, throughout the whole 9 days, I had visitors almost everyday. And that is really nice, I mean they kept me company and at least I had something to look forward to besides being bored to further boredom! I moved into a ward after 2 ½ days in the HDU. Doc identified that I had pneumonia, urinary infection and a bacteria in my blood. okay, the pneumonia is obvious enough, but the other two…. I doubt he gave me the right diagnosis. Anyway, I prayed against it and yeah, for total healing.

I moved into the ward, sharing room with a five years old boy, admitted ‘coz of asthma. I must say he’s a really smart boy for his age, and good looking too. he could count till 100 and learning new words everyday! his mom stayed with him. at times I could hear their conversation, he would ask so many “why” questions, tat only a mom have a patience for. He’s really cute, tho I hardly talked or played with him. he really enjoyed his stay in the hospital ‘coz he didn’t wanna go back home. I think I know why….. both his parents are working and if he were to go back, where got time for them to show him so much attention? I noticed during his stay, he was so close to his mom, as in he was getting full attention. So yea… I understand him, I doubt his mom ever find out the reason why he like the hospital so much. They were my roomie till Saturday. In a way I was gald, ‘coz they were kinda noisy. Their tv were super loud and their don’t turn it off while they sleep! A bit inconsiderate right? But I took it fine, I mean the mom was nice enough to chat a little with me and asked if I was doing okay.

After they left, I really prayed hard that my new roomie would be somebody young. I heard a few horror stories of getting older ppl as a roommate. So yea, can’t tell you how glad I was when I saw her that Sunday. She’s only 16, a dengue case. The poor gal was so bored that she cried after one day. I did talk to her and tried to make her stay feel better. But anyway…. Can’t blame for being bored, who wouldn’t?

During my stay I had a physiotherapist.  The doc assigned her to help me cough. So basically what she does is pat my back and I would cough. The first few days it really did made me cough real bad. Until that Thursday, it got so bad that I coughed out obvious blood. Can’t tell you how I feel at the moment. Erm… disappointed? Hema, the therapist was excited when she saw it and she made me cough out more. yer….a bit disgusting rite? but she’s a really nice lady, and I’m really glad to have her as my therapist. She’s even more caring than my doc! She tries to find out where I got the cough from, tell me to eat more fruits and take care of my health. So yea, I’m glad to have met her…^_^

Anyway, back to the blood discovery, I showed it to my doc, so he changed me to a stronger medicine. I asked when I could be discharged, he said till my medication ends, it was through drips. At that moment it was already my 5^th day in the hospital. When asked how many more days to go, he said another 5 days!! O_o” another five days?! Five days?! Wat am I going to do? I’m gonna be so bored!!! I was protesting! I was suggesting maybe I could be discharged and come back for medication everyday. Na-ah! The doc don’t let me go. he said my immunity level was weak, said I could catch other bugs out there, basically he was just putting fear into me and wanted me to stay in the hosp. Bad doc! Oh, oh! I found out much later from a nurse that he would be the last doc you would wana see. Heard that he gives wrong diagnosis and his patients usually stay very long! A-hah!! No wonder he had a blur face….. sheesh!

I managed to get out to go church during the weekend tho. If he don’t let me out, I would have memberontak!! Anyway, since I found out that I’m gonna stay longer, I might as well make my time there worthwhile. I might as well share a bit to the ppl I come in contact with. So I went to church, got hold of the Actsclaims and starting aiming who I wanna give it to. I gave one to my 16 year old roomie, one to the nurse, one to Hema, and one to a fren who I found out was also warded.

I remember someone asking if I did ask God why I was in the hospital. Actually I did. I did ask why me? Well, it’s not that hard to answer actually… basically I didn’t take care of my health, so I was in there for healing lar. But anyway, I knew there was more than just that. I knew I had a purpose there since I was to stay there for so long. I knew I was in God’s plan and it’s really exciting to see it unfolding. It took me a while to see it.

During my stay there, my granduncle who is a diabetic was also warded, he was due for operation. When I went to visit him, i saw this lady smiling at me. I thought she was smiling to the nurses. As I walked closer, she suddenly asked if I remember her. I don’t have the slightest clue who she was! She told me she was andy’s wife. I’m like “andy who?!” It turned out that the stylist who made my hair blonde, he was in the same hosp due to accident. Small world eh? Wait till you read on…. he also happened to be in the same room as my uncle! Now how much smaller can it get?! It was then, it daunted upon me that all these could be God’s divine appointment. So yea, I gave the last Actsclaim to him. told him my story was in there…..

In fact I believe every Actsclaim that I gave out is gonna touch lives. I know that seeds are being sown into their heart. It just gonna take time and prayer for it to happen. I’m not sure wat’s gonna happen later on, but I’m just gald that I got to share a part of Jesus with them.

Now’s here’s the testimony!! =D last year my mom made us buy insurance. It’s not cheap and I was complaining about it. not that I have a lot of money to spare also, I had to scrape money off my bank just to pay for it. and yea, when I had my root canal op last year, it cost a bomb and I couldn’t even claim from the insurance! Of course I was thinking I’m just only investing my money away without seeing the worth of it. oh… before I get there, church started a 40 days prayer and fast. I remember asking God when can I see a financial blessing, I mean I’ve heard so much about it and I’ve been faithfully tithing, giving and stuffs like that… when am I gonna get mine?! So yea, as always, God answered in His usual “out of the ordinary picture” way to me. Last year, I paid RM 800 plus for my insurance. And my medical bill for the whole nine days in SJMC…. Hehehe…. It was more than RM 10K! it is fully covered by the insurance company! Now how cool is that? My financial blessing didn’t come in a way I would expect as in cash to spend at hand, but it came in covering of my medical bill. And of course, I thank God for my mom’s wisdom in forcing us to buy the insurance!

Oh, at the beginning of U-Turn, I remember pastor asking us to find a scripture that would speak to us personally during the fasting and praying period. I got Psalm 16 at the moment. I didn’t really understand it at that point, but still I would ponder upon it every once in a while. True enough, the psalm I later found out was to kept me company during my hospital stay. Every single line of it seem to speak to me, and really I took comfort in every single one of the word.

Psalm 16

Keep me safe, O God, for I have come to you for refuge.

I said to the Lord, “You are my Master!

All good things I have are from you”

The godly people in the land are my true heroes!

I take pleasure in them!

Those who chase after other gods will be filled with sorrow.

I will not take part in their sacrifices

Or even speak the name of their gods.

Lord, you alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing.

You guard all that is mine.

The land you have given me is a pleasant land.

What a wonderful inheritance!

I will bless the Lord who guides me;

Even at night me heart instructs me

I know the Lord if always with me.

I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.

No wonder my heart is filled with joy,

And my mouth shouts his praises!

My body rest in safety.

For you will not leave my soul among the dead

Or allow your godly one to rot in the grave.

You will show me the way of life,

Granting me the joy of your presence

And the pleasure of living with you forever.

Yup, this psalm kept me company. Besides that, I also receive a lovely bouquet of flower from church, another one from PG, 3 bears and yea, it works! Next time you visit somebody in a hospital, bring along these stuffs! it really helps in brightening up the person’s day. Each morning when I wake up from my bed, just seeing the flower in front of me and the bears beside me puts a smile on my face. I must say, by the end of the stay, I felt I’m gonna miss that little ward, ‘coz I’ve made it cozy and I was starting to get comfy. Actually, it did felt a little like going away on a retreat or camp. Things were getting comfy, I didn’t need to worry about food, or the cleanliness of the room. I was being served. And all I had to do was lie in the bed whole day watching Disney. I was getting lazy!!!

Anyway, it’s good to be out. =D the whole episode was a new experience for me, and yea…. It was happening! =P